Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Andr?a's LiveJournal:

Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
5:45 pm	this is julian's latest email.... Hi Andrea, How are you doing? I hope you're enjoying your holiday. It's New Year's Eve, so I'm just writing to say Happy New Year. I hope 2002 will be wonderful for you. I also wanted to say I'm sorry I was so anti-social this year. I honestly feel really lucky to have you as a friend, and I'm truly sorry I didn't see much of you this semester. Next year will be different. You're wun'ful. Anyway, have a happy new year and I'll see you soon, Love, Julian look at that, julian's feeling guilty about being mean to me. how sweet, well at least he tries, right? going back to school saturday, with jessy. hope that she doesn't start to hate me because i study and go to the gym, and because i am a loser. i hope that i find someone that really likes me, and that julian doesn't start fucking some girl right in front of me. why am i so fucking cranky? (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 2nd, 2001
2:40 pm	the last couple of nights have been really weird... i dont know what to think. things have been so strange lately. i feel okay, not really anxious or anything, but the past couple of days have been so strange. for exmaple, friday evening-christine's friend kerri and this awful guy named shale-shudder-came in for a few days, so we decide to have a little panty shanty gathering. as in more pot and cheap wine than even jessy could handle. so who shows up besides some nice and some annoying people from residence last year? well, ill tell you, kat's two major groupies-eric and francis- and aparently eric told francis, so were both after the same girl, eh? and so there was tension. and kat was feeling a bit off and so she spent a lot of time on her balcony. so i was forced to talk with eric and francis, one then the other.and tell them each why kat liked them that it wasnt there fault, etc. jesus!!! i admit that i am a little jealous, though not really. its just that it makes me feel a little lackluster and deficient...even though i know that i am not. i just want someone to hit on me for once. francis said that he would be allover me if he werent with kat. and then i think..what if we had been at the bar down the street together, who would he have gone for, me or her? or was that one of those nice things that you say? i feel too relaxed about school right now. aaccchhh!! and then there's dane. i hardly even think about it anymore, but when i do, i just kind of go "eh" this a-motivational syndrome thing has it's upside. i think that i am going to read for social change in modern africa now. Current Mood: i'm not sure... Current Music: the pixies-where is my mind? (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 24th, 2001
10:28 pm	dinner with kat..... and one of her groupies. actually, i really like this one, he like speaks english and stuff like that, and we can talk and stuff but it is really annoying when i have to watch him drool over her and watch her try to wriggle out of it because ahe wants to go spend the rest of the night with another guy, another groupie, whom i also like. and lemme think, dane didnt get back to me, not email not phone, and the other day i called alnis'house to see if i could get dane's number, which i had and then lost, then forgot that i did it, and alnis called today while i was sleeping, at 2pm, ouch and i was rude to him and i asked him for dane's number. dammit, such a loser. i have pretty bad pms right now, thats probably why i am having such a negative take on things. i went to a pretty cool party last night though and went to bed at five am, which is why i slept until 2pm. i got some work done though(2.5 hours worth)and so thats not so bad, i should just stop thinking like this. there is another party at meredith's house tonight so maybe i oughta go there. eh, but there is cover this evening, and i dont really want to pay it. and what else? i dont know. just feeling a little restless, also wondering what the hell to do in utica this summer. i hope that i get to go somewhere before i have to spend the whole time there. cant spend all this summer getting high like last summer. and speaking of getting high, when we were smoking pot on someone's balcony, we saw the northern light. they were beautiful and they didnt look real. thank god for marijuana. in fact, i might call delivery this evening. i think that it would be great if jessy could spend 2 weeks with me in january, even tho i dont know how feasible it would be. adn i am sorry about heather, even though we were never that close, we were still in the same circle and i never thought that she would the one to get married when we were 18 and then become some freaking betty crocker house wife. i am sorry that jessy lost a hero, i know how i hate it when that happens. maybe i should call julian. ha, that would be funny. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 15th, 2001
12:17 am	i wonder..... if i would be happier if i were still with paul? probably not. not that i am miserable now, because i really am not. i wonder that and then i think of the angst that it so often caused me when i thought of him last year, when i wanted to date someone else, when i wanted to break up and he was so heartbreakingly kind and purposefully dense. yeah i guess that things here are alright, i dont profess to judge my own worth by the way men react to me but sometimes i wonder if i will ever find another boy friend who makes me feel really special. im sure that i will, i would just like it to be sooner rather than later. i am having a party this weekend for no real reason other than the fact that i want to prove to god and everybody that i can go 4 parties in a row without puking. a toast to excessive moderation. that i am having a party leads me to another story. i sent an invite email to francis, who is another guy that kat has following her, because he is incredibly funny and so he emailed me back that he would love to come and then he attached this english translated from french poem that he wrote. what the hell? why do i always have to be the brains of the operation? why cant they send kat poetry and buy me drinks? huh/ oh and also, my mom and daddy came to visit las weekend. we had such a good time!!! it was unreal, we went to a jazz bar and we all got a little drunk. me and mom talked and hugged. she had to lean on me because she was drunk. haha. and then my dad. wow. i finally asked him what i have known to be the truth sonce i was about 15, dad do you still smoke weed? and surprisingly the answer was no. so dad when did this stop? about 6 months ago, when i was having bad sleeping problems, it wired me. so did you buy your pot? yeah and i grew it sometimes, one time i sold a lot. and so on and so forth. and there were other drug stories. if only i had known that the backyard used to be a goldmine. and one other funny story, he told that it was always his tradition to burn one before leaving for family trips and onetime when i was like eight i caught him and he told me that it was a cigarette and i believed him. fucking stupid kid. Current Mood: ponderous Current Music: ani difranco-shameless (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 4th, 2001
9:48 pm	i was unwilling............. unwilling to admit to my own mistakes. i am as bad as julian, worse probably because i seem to see myself as this person who understands what it feels like to be used and hurt. what am i ? i am a liar. a sanctimonious, hypocritical liar. i know this now. julian said that he felt as used as i did, because i dated someone over the summer and i just expected (or wanted) "us" to resume.no thats not presumptuous, no not at all. how can i expect others to have different standards from myself? yes, Andr?a, how can you? perhaps if hadnt told julian about any of this things wouldve turned out differently. at least i can give myself that- i was honest. to a fault. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:59 pm	the anger fades and only the sorrow remains.... i dont know. i had that talk with julian the other day. our realtionship wasnt as casual as either of us wouldve wanted it to be. its that simple. nothing is ever as simple as anyone wants it to be. kat told me that what i really want is a somewhat serious relationship that doesnt require a lot of work. i guess thats trure but does it in fact exist? probably not. i guess that julian and i were never meant to be serious, i guess that it wasnt meant to be. i guess that sucks. for me. and for julian who wont be dating areeta anytime soon because areeta is in love with mikhail. thus it is a no-win situation. heart break even. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 1st, 2001
7:13 pm	whats important, anyway? well i think that a lot of things are really important, and i think that what is important changes from situation to situation. i know that sounds really terrible but its probably true. i went to my volunteer job this afternoon. it is so weird going there, i am the only white person in the room. its a good thing to know how the very few people with any color feel in our town. it makes me question how much subtle racism exists in my own mind. alnis(of course) has not called. he probably never will. i think that i have to acknowledge that he never will. why does this keep happening to me? (and every other woman in the western world) maybe no has ever met a girl like me before. the thing is, i dont really want to change anything about myself. i mean there are obviously a few little things that i should change. but i think that sublety is way too overrated. and i think that humor should be simple. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
11:58 pm	today was sad... for many reasons. i think that the main one was that i let myself hope for something dumb that had no bearing in reality, it had bearing only in a drunken stoned universe where the things that i said were actually witty and in which i felt actually beautiful. and i hate myself for allowing men so much power over me. its so stupid. i just cant stress my own stupidity enough. he didnt call me...blah blah blah.. cry me a fucking river....women in afghanistan cant leave their homes, their already miserable lives are being made far worse by a constant attack in the name of justice which is probably hurting everyone but those for whom it is intended. maybe this should be my wake up call, to stick to what i know: study, go to parties, be funny, dont hope. i know that sounds cynical, but i think that for me it might sadly be the most prudent course of action. i love my friends and those little golden moments that happen every so often, when everything seems oddly clear even though the haze of what ever made them possible. i think that i live for them, and that also sounds sad, but really, who doesnt live for those moments? Current Mood: cynical self disgust Current Music: ani difranco-marrow (Comment on this)